I've had "one of those days." Today would have been my Grandma Clara's birthday but she's passed away. Feels like just months ago but it's already been almost 3 years. We shared an office for 6 years, I learned so much from her. We were more like best friends or sisters than grandmother and granddaughter. The past few weeks have been tough on me and before when things were tough I could go sit with Grandma and we could figure it out. I really miss that.
We've had lots of changes happening. I'm just feeling sad, maybe it's that I'm finally letting myself digest the past several months. Maybe it's that some of those things are coming to a head and I just can't shove them to the back of my mind any more. We moved back "home" last week but it just doesn't feel like home. The landscape is so very different and all that's left is our house. Compared to the plethura of buildings that previously dotted our little corner of the world, it feels so empty. Last week, Emma started second grade which officially ended summer. Ellie starts school on Monday <sniffle> and I'm just plain not ready. I love her teachers and her room looks wonderful. I have every reason to be hopeful and excited about the opportunities she's going to have there and I am. I'm just struggling I guess, especially today.
Nicholas cannot handle when I show emotion. Apparently, I'm too opinionated and passionate and I need to just shut up. (I blame you for those traits Grandma.) I swear I've always been this person. I specifically remember trying to convert my middle school peers from Buhdism to Christianity, having heated conversations about abortion all throughout school, leading a bible study for my peers as an 8th grader, and always advocating for immigrants. I'm not sure how all of that suddenly gets to him and makes me over the top. Maybe I've intensified with age?! It doesn't matter who's changed or what's changed, I get that. I just really needed to vent and pour it out because if I don't that thread I'm hanging onto might break.
