Ellie is standing looking out the window to the pasture as I sit here typing. She's "talking" and pointing out the window. I know she's talking about the cows and Emma's horse Lacy. She loves these critters! Her eyes sparkle as she points and talks. It's a lot of "moo moo's" with points, nods and smiles. I respond just as if she'd told me that Concord just bumped Lucy and that little Layla has really gotten big. She smiles because she's happy that I treat her like a big girl, she's happy that she gets a turn to express herself. Her favorite buttons on her eyegaze are "can I have a turn" and "excuse me" followed by something she wants to interject. (Ellie moved to a 45 button PODD system on her talker and is ROCKING it! She's saying so many things that we never would have heard without it! Serious BLESSING that talker is!!) I'm awed by how effortless this kind of communication is for her and by how satisfied she is with my responses. She could easily be frustrated with me because my response is not exactly appropriate for what she was saying. Today she's not, today she's all smiles and nods with her long pigtails bouncing as she nods.
I interrupted our talk about cows to tell her how beautiful she is. She stopped talking and looked up and me with a big smile. She looked down for a couple seconds and fidgeted with her hands and then looked up grinning again. I told her how she has the smoothest cheeks and the prettiest skin color. How her sparkling eyes make everyone smile. She grinned again and turned back to the window. I saw how similar her response was to the other girls, to most girls really.
I started thinking about how frustrated I get with her at times. Like yesterday when she pulled my sweet potatoes out of the ground and tried to feed them to the birds. Or like a few days ago when she squeezed the bunny until it died and in the same day plunked another bunny into a tank of cold water, nearly drowning it. I thought of how hard and frustrated life is from her side of things. That maybe her behaviors really are a cry for attention or an expression of a need.
It makes me think about how I really don't know what hard is. I think about my running adventure (I'm planning to run a 1/2 marathon on Sept. 2) and how motivating it is for me to think of Ellie when I get to a tough spot in a run. When all I want to do is quit and give up, I don't because I know Ellie probably feels the same way and she perseveres. IF YOU WANT TO DONATE Along with a couple other gals, we are actually going to be the chairs of the Step UP 5K & 1/2 Marathon to take place on Sept. 2 at 7:30am. If you'd like to join me as I attempt my first EVER 1/2 Marathon, you can register HERE! I would love to get to run alongside of friends and supporters! Proceeds of the race will go back into a fund to purchase chip timing equipment for use by the Storm Lake Running Club.
I think about how empty life would feel without Ellie. I don't mind how much she needs me, we're used to it I guess. I read another Rett mom's blog this morning (READ IT HERE) and thought about how right she is. I share so many of the emotions and thoughts that she wrote about the possibility of losing Ellie. It's terrifying and yet we cannot live in fear. We have to press on, trudge ahead, survive and maybe even rise above surviving!
This week we will leave and travel to John's Hopkins for a clinical trial. It's not a big trial that we think will cure Rett, but it's a trial that they're seeing improvements with. We're hoping that our participation will help Ellie and we're also hopeful that our contribution to the research will help researchers better understand how Rett works. So please take some time this week to pray for us. Pray for safe travels and for our van to function as it needs to and for the success of this treatment for our precious Ellie!
Thanks for reading and for being a part of our lives. Thanks for supporting and cheering us.
