As it sits today, I'm writing this update as a cancer survivor. I was diagnosed on December 9 and had it cut out of my body on December 15. I'm short a thyroid and 28 lymph nodes (turns out I'm just fine without 'em.) I'm nearly a week into the healing process and I'm not sure that the reality of life has caught up with me. I still have a tube draining my neck into a little bulb that I have to empty and measure. I wait for the day my output is less than 30cc, so I can have it removed. So in case you're wondering (like a lot of people are.) My doctors have no plans for further treatment. No chemo, radiation, radioactive iodine, etc. They feel confident they were able to cut all of the cancer out. People are sort of tip-toe around me and conversation with some is awkward...then again, that's not really new. It feels so surreal to be the patient, to be talking about me. Especially having been at hospitals and with doctors that normally would be treating Ellie. Proof God has a sense of humor and an even bigger sense of provision.
In some senses I've always felt like a sparrow; small, insignificant, self-reliant, able, and thrifty like the little birds that build their nests from this or that in the most random, farm locations. I've felt forgotten and ignored but also loved and included. I've read the verse about how God provides for even the sparrows. I've known triumph, struggle and defeat; in full measure. Now, in this season I feel most deeply the provision, the care and the LOVE that God has for me. Never before in my life have I truly FELT the provision and love of God like I do now. I've seen his people at work, I've felt them jump into action at disaster. Today though, it is different. As I look at the entire context of the past few weeks, there is no logical or medical or social explanation for the timeline of events, the insight given in advance, for the memories at perfect moments , other than the Holy Spirit. It's too much to explain away or count to chance or luck or any other such thing. It's only feasible that Someone went along, years in advance of this last month and made plans; arranging the details that needed to be in place. This has given me such a great sense of His Holy, perfect ways. It has made me grateful. What an amazing Father, that I have. One who loves, cares, and provides, One who forgives, comforts and heals...me.
I am blessed.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Really Good with Crazy Low Odds
Today is Thursday December 10. It's 2am and I've been up for two hours. I can't sleep. I designed our Christmas cards and ordered photos of our beautiful girls, from the hotel lobby computer. Then I decided I should prepare this blog...to save for posting in a couple of days. (I know I'm someday going to want to read back my thoughts from this day) I've been sitting here looking at this empty page for some time now, wondering how I even begin. So I'm going to just lay it out there.
Nicholas, Esther and I have spent the past 2 days at Mayo Clinic. A place I'm quite familiar with and fond of. Amazing experts behind every door. It feels strange though, to be the patient. In the last 48 hours I've had appointments, ultrasounds, a biopsy, and lab work.
Less than 12 hours ago I recieved a cancer diagnosis. I turned 34 last week. To say I'm in shock is probably an understatement. He walked into the room and said, "It's going to have to come out. It's full of bad stuff." As he slid into his chair I questioned exactly what kind of bad stuff. "Nothing good." he said. "Cancer" I asked. "Yes" he said while nodding his head. I sat biting my lip to help maintain my composure. Alternately shaking my head "yes" to acknowledge his words and "no" to try and deny them. He smoothly transitioned into the positive outlook of surgery and the highly likelyhood that they'll be able to just cut it all out and be done with it. After giving us the diagnosis, I was handed a stack of reading material. A little book titled "Thyroid Cancer" was on top. In the "Thyroid Surgery" book, my doctor circled the portion where is shows a total removal.
There are so many words swirling in my head from today. Hypodense, irregular, highly suspicious, cacification, and papillary carcinoma. I have timelines and prognosis and potential treatments, all new today. I have questions, a lot of questions, starting with how and why and what.
I have a schedule of appointments and a vague timeline of how this will go. Tomorrow will start with another ultrasound to determine the staging. Basically, that will help my doctors decide if the cancer has spread to my lymphatic system or any tissue surrounding my thyroid. After the ultrasound, I will meet the surgeon who will explain to me the details of the procedure and schedule my surgery. I will have surgery before the end of the year to remove my thyroid and the cancer it's holding.
I cannot say enough how absolutely thankful I am for His proding, giving me the feeling that I needed to come to Mayo for this. So many things fell into place in order for me to be here at Mayo this quickly and to recieve such fast and expert care. Only God could arrange all that happened. I am so thankful for his provision!
I sat in the hot tub at the hotel tonight watching Esther splash on the edge of the pool. The first tears of today came thinking about how quickly 5 years goes. How in 5 years, she'll only be 6. They measure all prognosis based on 5 year suvival rates. (Which are really really good for thyroid cancer! I mean if ya got to pick which kind...it's probably top 10 of the list.) I don't know the number of my days but I know I want to live to be really really old. I tear now thinking of the worry my girls will have and carry when we tell them. (We're waiting until we get home.)
I know that the One who holds my life in His palm is the same One who knew every day of my life before I was even made. I find peace knowing that this is the path my God has for me and that He is and will continue to be my perfect Father right here at my side.
On a lighter note...Nicholas and I were discussing the probablility of one person experiencing a tornado, a child with rett syndrome and cancer before age 35!? We decided we should play the lottery because apparently we're really good with crazy low odds!
So friends, please pray for me and for my family.
~Angie
Nicholas, Esther and I have spent the past 2 days at Mayo Clinic. A place I'm quite familiar with and fond of. Amazing experts behind every door. It feels strange though, to be the patient. In the last 48 hours I've had appointments, ultrasounds, a biopsy, and lab work.
Less than 12 hours ago I recieved a cancer diagnosis. I turned 34 last week. To say I'm in shock is probably an understatement. He walked into the room and said, "It's going to have to come out. It's full of bad stuff." As he slid into his chair I questioned exactly what kind of bad stuff. "Nothing good." he said. "Cancer" I asked. "Yes" he said while nodding his head. I sat biting my lip to help maintain my composure. Alternately shaking my head "yes" to acknowledge his words and "no" to try and deny them. He smoothly transitioned into the positive outlook of surgery and the highly likelyhood that they'll be able to just cut it all out and be done with it. After giving us the diagnosis, I was handed a stack of reading material. A little book titled "Thyroid Cancer" was on top. In the "Thyroid Surgery" book, my doctor circled the portion where is shows a total removal.
There are so many words swirling in my head from today. Hypodense, irregular, highly suspicious, cacification, and papillary carcinoma. I have timelines and prognosis and potential treatments, all new today. I have questions, a lot of questions, starting with how and why and what.
I have a schedule of appointments and a vague timeline of how this will go. Tomorrow will start with another ultrasound to determine the staging. Basically, that will help my doctors decide if the cancer has spread to my lymphatic system or any tissue surrounding my thyroid. After the ultrasound, I will meet the surgeon who will explain to me the details of the procedure and schedule my surgery. I will have surgery before the end of the year to remove my thyroid and the cancer it's holding.
I cannot say enough how absolutely thankful I am for His proding, giving me the feeling that I needed to come to Mayo for this. So many things fell into place in order for me to be here at Mayo this quickly and to recieve such fast and expert care. Only God could arrange all that happened. I am so thankful for his provision!
I sat in the hot tub at the hotel tonight watching Esther splash on the edge of the pool. The first tears of today came thinking about how quickly 5 years goes. How in 5 years, she'll only be 6. They measure all prognosis based on 5 year suvival rates. (Which are really really good for thyroid cancer! I mean if ya got to pick which kind...it's probably top 10 of the list.) I don't know the number of my days but I know I want to live to be really really old. I tear now thinking of the worry my girls will have and carry when we tell them. (We're waiting until we get home.)
I know that the One who holds my life in His palm is the same One who knew every day of my life before I was even made. I find peace knowing that this is the path my God has for me and that He is and will continue to be my perfect Father right here at my side.
On a lighter note...Nicholas and I were discussing the probablility of one person experiencing a tornado, a child with rett syndrome and cancer before age 35!? We decided we should play the lottery because apparently we're really good with crazy low odds!
So friends, please pray for me and for my family.
~Angie
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