The Pit of Self Pity...Jesus Calling

 

Since the beginning of the year, our six year old Eva, has been reading us a devotion each night at supper from her new book. The book is by Sarah Young and it's called Jesus Calling 365 Devotions for Kids. (We're loving it!) It always starts with a verse and then a little devotion follows. I want to quote from it...

 

 

This was the devotion for February 23.

"So let us run the race that is before us and never give up." Hebrews 12:1

It's easy to feel sorry for yourself - especially when things aren't going your way, or you feel like everyone is against you, or you are just plain tired of trying so hard all the time. But feeling sorry for your self is one the devil's favorite traps. Don't even go near it! Once you fall into this trap, it's very hard to get out again.

 

This devotion really struck me, or perhaps convicted is the proper word. I've read the verse before, I've underlined it and written it on little note cards under the "persevere" tab of my little verse binder. BUT I've never considered self-pity when reading it. The more I consider it, and think about the meaning of "give up" it makes sense to me. If giving up isn't an option, then what use is there to feel sorry for myself? Accept the pruning and use it to allow new, fresh growth.

 

At the end of the little devotion are two more scriptures for further study. One of those is in Hebrews 12.

 

Hebrews 12:2-4

"Keep your eyes on Jesus, our leader and instructor. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterwards; and now he sits in the place of honor by the throne of God. If you want to keep from becoming faint-hearted and weary, think about his patience as sinful men did such terrible things to him. After all, you have never yet struggled against sin and temptation until you sweat great drops of blood."

 

 

I went ahead and read on through Hebrews 12 and found this verse...

 

Hebrews 12:12

"So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs, and mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, will not fall and hurt themselves, but become strong."

 

 

The thing is, I know there are times when I DO feel sorry for myself. I have tantrums and throw fits and even get angry about the "race that is before us." I want so badly to have control over the way things go. One would think that after all this time and all that God has carried us through, I'd be totally over it, submissive, turned over to Him in faith... but I know and He knows, I'm not. I'm working on it, but haven't arrived to say the least. It's been a long, hard winter for us and I've been feeling weary. Then on Tuesday, we had to say goodbye to our dog, of 14 years, Oreo. I don't think it's coincidence that we read this devotion the day before.

 

I'm spending lent in study...I'm reading "Unveiled At Last" by Bob Sjogren. It's good, pushing me to think about the goal of our faith. I'm certain this is part of God's preparation, I feel pruned, ready for spring and new growth.

 

~Angie



Gillette and the EKG

There are days when I feel as though life just knocks the wind from our sails. It's always surprising, sudden, catastrophic even. It shouldn't be though. I mean if life were all sunshine and lollipops well then we wouldn't have reason to grow, learn, and persevere through hard stuff to become better people. Yesterday, the sails were full. We spent the morning at Gillette Children's Hospital meeting Ellie's new team. I drove us home thinking how blessed we've been to always find our way to the right place at the right time. I feel (present tense intentional) confident that God is on our side, that as he has promised, he's gone ahead of us prepared the way and IS in control. I feel that still tonight, even after the wind is gone from the sails and the masts have toppled into the sea. 

Late this afternoon, Gillette called to give us the results of Ellie's EKG from yesterday. We've had EKG's to monitor the health of Ellie's heart before, at Mayo. Our last one was in the fall of 2012. I learned today that at that time her QT interval was borderline prolonged. (It pays to have experts in Rett examining these tests...nobody at Mayo told us it was borderline.) I also learned today that while in the fall of 2012 it was 442(borderline), yesterday it was 485(worse yet.) At 500 it is no longer considered borderline, then it's considered Prolonged QT. Our new pediatrician feels that considering rett and all it's nasty impacts on the body, that we don't have much choice other than to keep a close eye on this. I asked the nurse on the phone what kinds of symptoms we should be aware of with prolonged QT, thinking perhaps there would be warning signs that it's gotten worse, etc. Her response was "Well it can be fatal." I'm just guessing here, but maybe the silence on my end gave her the idea that she'd perhaps gone a little too bluntly on that response. She followed it up by telling me that heart palpitations and irregular heart beat are typically symptoms of prolonged QT. Really a bummer that Ellie can't really tell us if she were having any of these symptoms! :( We go back to Gillette in 6 months and we'll continue to monitor her QT. Our nurse said that if her QT were to be more than 500, they would likely look into medications that could help shorten it. 

It seems like just when I think perhaps we have a handle on life, we realize all over again that we really, really don't. Thanks for reading, praying and supporting us on this journey. 

~Blessings
Angie